From a middle-schooler's essay on the quote, "Don't judge a person until you walk a mile in his shoes."

"I also know something about don't judge a book by its cover, it is an expression about judging people before you know how they really are.  For example, you see a black person and you automatically hate them for being black!  And you be a jerk to him.  Then you notice that the person is all alone and take things from kind people and is always being bullied.  So you try to make friends with them and you like him and you learn he has no family and is actually cool and you regret being a jerk to him and give him a place to stay and eat."

The difference between New York and San Francisco

"Stand clear of the closing doors."

vs.

"The doors are closing.  Please stand clear of the doors."

,

respectively.

Harvard Beats Yale 29-29, a.k.a. "Women were much more amenable to the direct approach"

A few points on NCAA football, prompted by the shoddily edited but nonetheless compelling documentary on The Game, 1968, C.E.:

1. Let us hope that the tarnished art of sportscasting eventually recovers from the age of John Madden

2. Yaleishness: e'er resistant to evolution

3. "I love throwing things.  I love the aesthetics of throwing something and watching it fly."

4. RichRod and les Wolvs of 2009 may have to pull a comparable miracle to endear them to their notoriously skeptical fans.  Until then, Michigandism remains the faith of the blindly pious and the quietly masochistic.

The Glorious Return of X and Y

The anonymous text message saga continues.

Y: "Do you like pills?"

X: "I prefer my medication in liquid form, bubblegum flavor"

Y: "So you're saying you do like me."

--

Y: "Hi"

X: "My toe is swimming in a pool of blood"

Y: "Tell her that's weird"

--

Y: "I listened to a voice mail you left me awhile ago just to hear your voice.  I'm not joking, I like you."

--

Y: "Do you like me?  Circle one: yes or no."

--

Y: "Hey"

X: "So did you hear about our close personal friend [Q]'s new girlfriend"

Y: "I heard about his date.  [X], comeover"

--

Y: "Yo!  What's up!"

X: "Prices"

Y: "That joke appeared on the left of my screen."

X: "A damn shame; I prefer punchlines with right-alignment"

Y: "I love you so much - let's run away and be mature together."

Y: "Well?"

X: "I only run on promises of puerility"

Y: "[X].  I like you so damed much."

--

Y: "Hi"

X: "Good morning, Beezelbub"

Y: "Yea, it's early for you.  I can't wait until we get married so we can shut up certain Tweets."

--

X: "This morning

I woke up with this feeling

I didn't know how to deal with

And so I just decided to myself

I'd hide it to myself

And never talk about it

And did not go and shout it

When you walked into the room"

Y: "My brother finds comfort in calculators

He assigns every number a name

He believes they add up to certainties

And is upset with the fractions that remain"

--

Y: "Hi"

X: "Pythagoras's Theorem

It came to him in serum

An intravenous user

A right angle chooser"

Y: "Look-up Sacer and Oiler - A lot of people call me an ugly nigga but I'm graffiti handsome"

X: "You always condescend to bring us back to your boxy-shaped apartment

You show us that we're poorer than you are and you're an undiscovered star"

Y: "I heard you moved - you shoulda moved here."

X: "You can take the cross-town bus if it's rainin or it's cold"

--

Y: "Hey, babe"

X: "I suppose at some point I should mention that no one has ever called me 'babe,' that woefully impious term, and gotten away with it"

Y: "Oh.  Yeah, baby?"

--

Y: "Hi, [X]"

Y: "I wish I could fly to California so I wouldn't wake up so late"

X: "You could fly three hours west every four days and always catch the worm"

Y: "Do you not want to date me?"

Additional Proposed Apps

BrdnOSlfExpreshun

Database o’ Wisdom ‘n Eloquence: Is there a pithy quote or song lyric I can use to express this thought instead of suffering the crippling anxiety of authorship?

One2One2WONRatio

Hypocrisy Balancer: Is the number of times I’ve made a self-deprecating comment about owning an iPhone equal to the number of times I’ve used it to check my email?

DoubleDigitsUH-OH!

Bank Account Monitor With Silent Alarm: Screen flashes red when amount dips to $99.99 and below, with optional purple alarm for $9.99 and below (second feature is yours for only $.99)

GottaPee

Locator of public-ish restrooms.  Sort by: proximity, cleanishness, length of line/# of stalls, amount of money necessary to use facilities guilt-free, average rate of success sneaking in

OCDHelpr

Habit Iteration Calculator: How many times did I wash my hands/check whether the door is locked/think obscene thoughts about the opposite sex – and, more importantly, is that number a multiple of five?

On Funny Persons

Had to see Funny People after reading David Denby's review, and now have to question his unqualified praise.  Sandler's performance, to be sure, measures up (though, for me, the review robbed him of his menace) -- but the movie focuses too much on his character's bland ex-girlfriend and his eager beaver lackey (miscast as Seth Rogen--who not only "looks weird skinny" but sounds weird as "the nice guy").  Jason Schwartzman, too, disappoints -- dare I suggest it, a script problem?

Yet, even with the boring cinematography, Apatow is to be commended for finally making a film with an interesting female character--"Daisy," played by Aubrey Plaza: 

And I don't say "interesting" just because she's a brunette who wears glasses and red polka dots.  "Interesting" female characters are just... in a fundamental yet ineffable way, on par with their male counterparts.

For something called Funny People, this film is mostly about funny men.  Yet, in a world in which the humor of women is often belittled as "charming" or "cute," 

... this, I lament to say, is a step forward.