An Unlikely Return

Y: search facebook

  **** *********

 X: there are three of her

  is she the hot one

11:19 PM Y: yeah

  i mean, she's the brunette

  the only one you can see

  we we're engaged

  and were on and off for years

  and she ti\ried to get back with me a while ago, but i wasn't interested

11:20 PM but i am, now

 X: I'd probably fall for her, too

11:21 PM Y: i'm so saddened

  that's the problem

 X: Is she taken now or something

 Y: she has this effect on me

 X: And that's why you want her, when she's unavailable?

 Y: she'd leave whoever she was with for me

  she isn't 'unavailable'

  she just is nuts

  seriously

 X: Ah, personality issues

11:22 PM Y: and wants me now because she thinks i'm going to be successful

  and becasue i treat her so good and am reliable

11:23 PM X: How nuts is she

 Y: well, she's bi-polar

  and a liar

11:24 PM X: well at least things wouldn't be boring

  plus think how attractive she is

  she might even be a ten

11:25 PM Y: she is a ten

11:26 PM and i'm a what?

  she was attracted to me

  and i've dated models

 X: tens only like tens

  you must be a ten, too

 Y: but i also have dated girls with personalities nd intelligence

  and i love that

  because i learn with them

  but with ****, she learned from me

  and it wasn't blanaced

11:27 PM X: well if shes bipolar, thats like TWO personalities

 Y: well i am emile hirsch

 X: So maybe she could make up for her lack of IQ

  With a double dose of personality

 Y: no, she's a loser

  no education

  but she wants to be a winner

  her dad hates me

 X: I don't know, she's wearing a suit in her facebook photo

 Y: he is jealous of me

 X: Gotta be a winner to do that

  Oh rly

 Y: yeah, he actually is

11:28 PM it's a long story, that i won't bore you with

 X: Which qualities does he covet

 Y: but he is

  he is a moron

  and fat

  and always comments on how girls go for guys like their dad

 X: Why did you go and meet the girl's parents anyway

  Bad move

  So beta

 Y: but **** slept with me and became my girlfriend three days after we met

11:29 PM we spent the christmas break together

 X: I know the type

 Y: that was less than a month after we met

 X: So clingy

  Get a life

 Y: well, she invited me cause i left my girlfriend of 4-years for her

  and she left this guy for her

 X: O no, I meant her

 Y: we both did on the day we met each other

 X: OBVI

11:30 PM Y: like we both knew

 X: Love at first sight eh

 Y: i don't know

 X: OR SO U THOUGHT

 Y: i used to think so

  but she made it hard

  i got her pregnant

  and that messed a lot of stuff up

 X: Damn son

 Y: she blamed me for it

  though she never wanted to use condoms until after the pregnancy

  then i got into [good school]

11:31 PM X: Her uterus shouldn't have been so receptive

 Y: and was going to go

  and couldn't, becasue i loved her

 X: I hear no one is allowed to love there

 Y: but when i stayed, she clearly lost respect for me

  so then, a year later, i got into [other good school]

 X: Also: so beta

 Y: and came up here, and she was here, and things struck up again

11:32 PM well, when we met up again, all my [other good school] friends said she was trash

  and that i had so many better options

  i was seeing a girl at the time

  a pretty, sweet girl

  but not exciting

  and that was lacking

  and that caused a sense of boredom

11:33 PM you see, i liked the girl i was seeing, but primarily because she was so innocent and hard to get

  once i did, things changed

 X: a challenge

 Y: and her roommates overheard me talking to **** and us telling each other "i love you"

  then that ended my relationship with the other girl, ******

11:34 PM but now **** is back, and i can't stop thinking of her

 X: I hate the whole hunter - pursued thing

 Y: well we all do

 X: I hate having to play games

 Y: but it's a fact for some of us

 X: But then when I'm easy

  I know guys get bored

11:35 PM Y: i never got bored of ****

 X: At least, that's what I've learned from When Harry Met Sally

 Y: when we were happy, it was insanely happy

  when we fought, she called the cops

  three times

 also, the reason i approached her was simply to see her better - i had no glasses on

  she started hitting on me, and read my fiction that had recently been published - four times she told me - and was so laudatory that i felt charmed

11:37 PM X: Did you blow a whistle at her

 Y: then everything splintered

  i also have this penchant for wanting to save people

  primarily because i feel fucked up

  but not when i'm with her

11:39 PM it's a relationship that's hell to be in, but worse to be out of

  now with all these positive things going on in my life, she wants back in

 X: do you have other options

 Y: she says, and it's true, that she wants to marry me because she knows i inspire her

11:40 PM she asked to move in with me

  i said yes

  but then i never picked her up

  i was going to, heading over and everything

  but i turned around

 X: i hope she wasn't waiting in the rain with her suitcases

Fat Pig at the Aurora

I. Overheard in Row C, pre-show:

Two middle-aged women, discussing a son's short story-writing class (The son is in elementary school).

A: "He's not flourishing.  He's finding the form restricting."

B: "Maybe he just needs to find another... modality."

 

II. Review, in uber-brief:

Photo by David Allen

As Tom and Helen, Jud Williford and Liliane Klein charm us as they charm one another.  If this sounds a little too cute, it is:   Though Tom's alternate likability and despicability render him the archetypal modern protagonist, a huge weakness of the script is that Helen's only flaw is that... she's fat.  Also, even at 100 minutes, the show runs a tad long.  The last scene, at the beach, while introduced with stunning theatrical spectacle, unnecessarily draws out already excruciating displays of vulnerability.  Who didn't already know that we're not supposed to judge others by their appearances, but that it's really hard not to?   With Alexandra Creighton and Peter Ruocco as the malicious foils.  

 The show runs through December 13th at the Aurora Theatre, in Berkeley.

Hexagonal/Octagonal Corner Windows: A Missed Connection/A Love Story

A few Friday nights ago, across the street from my house, a skinny fella with spiky blond hair and a black t-shirt was scaling the ledge of a 2nd story apartment, inching toward the octagonal corner window.   The light was on, and one of the windows was ajar.  Once there, he rapped at the glass with his knuckles, waved inside, and gingerly lowered himself to open the window further, presumably to climb inside.  He couldn't get into a position to use his strength, though, and, after struggling to raise the ledge by himself for a few minutes (I was openly gawking at this point), he had to motion to the person inside for assistance.  No one came; illustrating his predicament with body language wasn't cutting it, so, to explain verbally, he bent over almost completely to put his mouth next to the opening.  Then he raised his head, gestured vigorously once more, and lo and behold, a female head popped up at the sill.  But she, too, seemed to be in an awkward position.  Her elbows were almost as high as her head, so it didn’t look like she was bringing additional strength to the endeavor.  Various distributions of force were attempted, but it was no use.  (The windows of my Victorian home are similarly difficult to budge, though I've never tried to open them wide enough for a person -- because, unfortunately, there hasn't been the need).  More verbal communication was needed, so the gentlemen inched backwards on the ledge to lower his head to the crevice.  An attempt to persuade, an argument.  The head inside shook vigorously, defiant.  Her companion, exasperated, motioned to dispense with the whole enterprise and depart.  As he was turning, the head, unwilling to lose him, got into a more comfortable position, exposing her bare breasts, and, just as I, mortified, was turning away, more below.  Encouraged, the lad turned back to assist his more participatory partner.  I walked the few doors down to my address, but, turning back as I unlocked the door and went inside, they were still struggling with it.